By Mani Saint-Victor, MD |April 16, 2024 

Angela had always been the "good girl"—straight A's, captain of the cheerleading squad, the friend everyone could count on. But inside, she felt like a fraud. Her smile masked a deep sadness, and her "perfect" life left her feeling empty. It wasn't until her health began to deteriorate that she realized the cost of living a lie.

In the pursuit of personal growth and well-being, the concept of authenticity plays a crucial role. Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and author, explores the complex interplay between our innate need for attachment and our desire to be true to ourselves. This article delves into the challenges individuals face in maintaining authenticity and the profound impact it has on mental and physical health.

The Need for Attachment

From the moment we are born, human beings have an inherent need for attachment. As the most helpless and underdeveloped creatures, children rely on close bonds with caregivers for survival and nurturing. This drive for attachment is so powerful that it often overshadows another essential aspect of our nature: authenticity.

The Essence of Authenticity

Authenticity, as Dr. Maté emphasizes, is not a mere spiritual concept but a fundamental aspect of our being. It involves being in touch with our gut feelings, the instinctive sensations that guide us in assessing danger or safety. These gut feelings are a product of our evolutionary history, honed over millions of years to ensure our survival in the wild.

The Conflict Between Attachment and Authenticity

When faced with a conflict between attachment and authenticity, children invariably choose attachment. The fear of losing the vital connection with caregivers compels them to suppress their authentic emotions and needs. This suppression can manifest in various ways:

• A child's anger being met with isolation
• A child becoming the emotional caregiver for stressed parents
• Conforming to societal expectations of success, beauty, or gender roles

The Consequences of Inauthenticity

The pain of not being oneself can have far-reaching consequences on an individual's well-being. When authenticity is sacrificed for the sake of attachment or social expectations, it can lead to a range of physical and mental health issues, including:

• Depression and anxiety
• Chronic illness and autoimmune disorders
• Addiction and substance abuse
• Difficulty forming genuine, deep connections with others

Rediscovering the Authentic Self

Despite the challenges, the authentic self that was abandoned in childhood never truly disappears. It continues to communicate through the body and emotions, urging individuals to pay attention and reconnect with their true selves. The journey towards authenticity involves learning to listen to these internal cues and making a conscious choice to prioritize one's own truth.

The Adult Decision

Dr. Maté addresses the paradox of authenticity and relationships. While being authentic may lead to the loss of certain relationships, it also attracts authentic individuals who celebrate and support one's true self. It is essential to distinguish between the fear of losing relationships experienced in childhood, where dependence is absolute, and the adult reality where individuals have the choice to prioritize authenticity over relationships that cannot accommodate their true selves.